![]() ![]() Most spirits in most countries have a legal definition that requires them to be at least 40% alcohol by volume (ABV), and this is achieved by the simple process of adding water. It turns out that in the pursuit of the “Fake ID” market, alcohol producers have a number of options of additives to simulate the “smoothness” of more-expensive products, without resorting to the age-old, inefficient, and costly maturation in oak. You want copper sulfate to stay behind in the still, not show up in your bottle. Running the spirit through a still such that it comes into contact with a lot of copper also removes off flavors such as sulphur by binding them with available copper ions. Filtering through charcoal or other media can do this (hence the proliferation of the word “filtered” on every vodka label, ever), as can aging in oak (the voodoo of oak maturation is a subject for another time, but oak both filters and converts off-flavors into tasty ones while simultaneously adding its own compounds). When spirit leaves either type of still, it naturally has a number of off-tasting compounds which can be removed or converted by a number of procedures. ![]() ![]() Suffice it to say a column still is still capable of making cheap booze with off flavors, even without wide cuts. The “cuts” are a lot more complicated and technical with a column still, and involve adjusting the plates inside the still. Note that cuts only really apply to pot stills, while most spirits (especially most of the cheaper spirits) are made on a continuous column still. A “wide” cut which leaves more of this stuff in can reduce the costs of production, but also keeps the shudder-inducing flavors of industrial oils, bitter grassiness, solvents and adhesives, and rotting fruits. This is referred to as the “cut”, and a skillful “cut” can remove the worst offenders while leaving in the best flavor and aroma compounds. These “heads” and “tails” are removed by the still operator. This is due to several factors: alcohol by-products formed by the fermentation of sugars (or starches that are malted into sugars) contain some nasty stuff in low quantities that is concentrated during distillation. If quality ingredients are distilled skillfully in quality stills and aged in quality oak barrels for a sufficient quantity of time, one can expect a degree of “smoothness”. ![]() The most noble way to make a drink “smooth” comes down to the craftsmanship of its production. I’m going to categorize the things that lead a drink to be “smooth” into three categories: 1) Craft, 2) Additives, and 3) Technique. While we’re on the subject, never search “moist” either. Just be glad I passed on (most of) the memes, and take my advice and never Google Image-Search the word “smooth”. So what causes things to be “smooth” or “rough”? While there are likely several very scholarly works on the subject, this isn’t that kind of blog and you’re simply going to have to go with what I dredged up from the Internet. My stomach turneth over at the very thought. Conversely, the cheapest $10 handle of vaguely Russian-sounding vodka can be watered down to 30% ABV (quite the opposite of “hot”) and still be awful to shoot. In other words, a high-quality well-aged single malt can be a fiery 70% alcohol (140 proof), which could rightly be described as “very hot”, and yet not result in that spine-shuddering, head-shaking, eye-squeezing, throat-tearing sensation that plagued your university years. It takes quite some time and experience before one begins to mentally separate alcohol “heat” from low-quality “roughness”, which are often both confused to mean “not smooth” in the collegiate vernacular. Indeed, this one (of many) attributes of quality liquor is probably the first thing that attracts the newly-minted spirits lover into the wonderful world of good booze. This college-kid mentality is easy to understand, however After four (or five? Or six?) very long years of being forced to drink shots of the cheapest (read: worst) possible booze, one could be forgiven for holding “doesn’t make me gag” up as the pinnacle of achievement in spirits craftsmanship. Hardly a ringing endorsement, yet it’s often employed as the default compliment for any drink foisted onto a person by a well-meaning friend. Coined by some college kid somewhere, no doubt, the word is generally used to refer to a high-proof spirituous beverage that does not make the drinker gag or cringe when shooting it. Spirits aficionados react to the word the same way just about everybody reacts to the word “moist”: with visible discomfort and a quick change of subject. ![]()
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